Comedy: Murphy’s Laws of Video Games
For Gaming in general:
1. You Xbox will red ring at 1:00 AM on the day that [insert game you've been waiting 5 years for here] releases. It is a holiday weekend and all the shops are closed.
2. By the time you are half-way decent at a game, the sequel will have been released.
3. The game you bought invariably costs less and comes out earlier for another platform.
4. As soon as you slide the credit card to buy a new game, you will find out that all your friends got it for the other platform.
5. You will have a power outage as soon as you load your brand new game into the console. You can now not get it out.
6. All of your friends got you the same game for your birthday; they also shredded their receipts.
7. If you spend more than 5 minutes thinking of a strategy, all your clan-mates will think its stupid.
8. If you try to install a mod, your game will break.
9. If you don’t install a mod, you won’t be able to play on any good servers.
10. The game you want to play when the internet goes out never has singleplayer.
For First Person Shooters:
1. The exact style that you like to use is considered Noob-tubing in that game you just bought.
2. The enemy sniper has his reflexes timed so that he will kill you the exact nanosecond before you press the fire button. Much swearing at the computer will ensue.
3. The enemy wave will respawn the second you sneak into the enemy base.
4. If you suck at a game, you are a noob. If you are good at a game, you are a hacker. Either way you will be kicked from the server.
5. You and your teammate will call in a recon at exactly the same time.
6. The minute you get behind enemy lines and are about to shoot them in the back, your friends will call in an airstrike on your head.
7. If you attack someone from behind, you will empty an entire clip before hitting them; they will then turn around and headshot you while you are reloading.
8. The sniper technique in the new game you just bought is completely different from the kind in the old game.
9. Everyone can pwn face with a [insert weapon here] except you.
10. If you are actually doing well at sniping, you are griefing and will be kicked.
11. If you are on fire today, you are probably the subject of a flamethrower, not a killstreak.
12. A pistol kills everyone unless you’re using it.
13. You will hit a lagspike the second you pull the pin on the grenade.
14. If its a choice between throwing a cooked grenade at your teammate or blowing it up in your hand, both will end up happening.
15. The one time your team gets your kit together and is actually using voicechat, an enemy is using and Eavesdropper perk.
16. The enemy is always a 10 year old; plan accordingly.
17. Just when you thought you’d heard every bad “your mom” “that’s what she said” or racially offensive joke in the world, you log into the server.
18. The day that you had a lousy time at work and need to blow off some steam is the day that you decided to log on to the family friendly server.
19. The admin ALWAYS gets the kill.
20. You are the only person on your team that can fly the airplane; you are also the only person that never gets to it.
21. If you waited five minutes for something to happen, then you’re going to botch it when the time comes.
22. You will only find out about the fact that somebody put a bunch of explosives under the car until AFTER you get in.
23. Lag spikes are never your friend.
24. 9 out of 10 times, the medic will press the grenade button instead of the defibrilators.
25. The person that beat you to the vehicle spawn will invariably run you over with said vehicle.
For RTSs:
1. Your 5 page long strategy will invariably be beaten by relentless zerging
2. If you make a mod map, no one will use it.
3. If you can’t use a certain race effectively, “random” will invariably give you that one.
4. The only person who has a strong attack and defense simultaneously is your enemy.
5. Your teammate is either a history buff or is 5 years old. Either way you are toast.
6. Once you meet all the needs of your citizens, you will find that the treasury is empty.
7. The enemy can tell 5 different command groups to do different things effectively and simultaneously.
8. If you try to multi-task, you will fail.
9. If you know where the enemy is, they know where you are.
10. The enemy will quit the second before you win. You will not get a win credit.
For fighting games:
1. The new combo you need to learn to pass the level can only be memorized by autistic kids.
2. You are not double jointed; therefore you will lose.
3. You will find your hours of regimen of memorizing and sequencing combos will be beaten by a button masher.
4. Pressing one button repeatedly is the most effective way to win.
5. If you win, it’s lucky, if you lose, it’s skill.
Platformers:
1. One milisecond before beating the level, you will walk off a cliff.
2. Right after executing a near impossible jump, you will be killed by a goomba.
3. You will soon find that that special colored platformer was special colored for a reason. Restart the level.
4. Fireballs are not your friend.
5. If it seems impossible, it is also necessary.
For RPGs:
1. Recite the mantra; bubble hearth buble hearth bubble hearth.
2. Your min-maxed mage will be killed by a headrolling warlock every time.
3. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. And deathcoil.
4. Your class will always be nerfed in the upcoming patch
5. The one time you skip the quest description is the same time that the description would legitimately help you.
6. Paladins are always ninjas: Technically they can wear cloth.
7. Your new armor will always be less cool than your inferior ones.
8. You can never have too much bag space.
9. Any attempts to play the auction house market will fail.
10. If you PUG, you will die.
11. Your macro scripts will never work, but will paralyze your character while he is slowly killed by a kobold.
12. You will run out of mana when the monster aggros.
13. Your good spells are always on cooldowns.
14. Your house cat will decide that the perfect time to tickle you with its tongue is during a boss fight.
15. If an enemy looks too powerful to fight, he is. Your party members will ignore your advice and pull aggro.
I might update this from time to time, as well as take suggestions.
- Controller Tower (controllertower.com
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